Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
You Might Also Like
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I finally found a reason to live again.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow