Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
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[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Bring back the McRib
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered