Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*