@OneFunnyMummy: Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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@ericsshadow: [wife frantically searching the house] Have you seen the kids, I've looked everywhere [me napping on couch] OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
@JohnLyonTweets: Her: Hi hun. Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: I left my pills in my other bag & I'm about to get REALLY chatty. C: You're free to go.
@SamuelHLowe: I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"