Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Y’all know who you are.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me