@BadMikeyBad: Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he's going to take a dump in the minivan, he's not making idle threats
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@shawnries: Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
@panmidwest: [nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell] SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as 'Home' address?
@Chumpstring: Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy's gun away.
@itsa_talia: my cat sounds so cute when he sneezes but i really wish he'd stop wasting the coke. it's like goddamn amateur hour with him.