Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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What fresh Hell is this?!?
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores