@Adam14: Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You're welcome.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [getting an x-ray] TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest. ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
@InternetHippo: [genie emerges from his lamp] Master, what is thy— [he sees me on the bed pointing at the remote like 3ft away] Are u kidding me
@behindyourback: The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.