A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
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I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history