Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.