You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
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Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Don’t talk down to me
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
huge if true: the moon
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect