PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.