Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Muppet Screams
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
my astrological sign is a french fry
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.