@FilthyRichmond: Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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@Mr_Kapowski: [gym] Trainer: You here to get cut? Me: Uhh no, I'm already circumcised and if that's covered under my membership, I want a reduced bill
@TheTobbie: Just recorded the baby crying so I can play it back to him while he tries to sleep later to see how he likes it...
@12spoopy11u: Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.