@FilthyRichmond: Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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@Ilovelamp1979: I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
@TheMichaelRock: Hey guy driving the speed limit with your hands at 10 & 2, can I have some of that weed you're transporting?
@AristotlesNZ: Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I'm on the toilet
@CubanaMama82: I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.