@FilthyRichmond: Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you'll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@muyrando: If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I'm eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
@grantgirl2004: A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
@slimmy_shady: Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I've ever had. Also rabies.