Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
You Might Also Like
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.