Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.