The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
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let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.