Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
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FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist