OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?