CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
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In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Every time.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard