Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I’d hang this in my house.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
went fishing caught a bass
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away