Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
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When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
haha same
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.