I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress