Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
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[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]