Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
(Electricians.)
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.