@HonestToddler: Parents: It's unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you're not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
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@dafloydsta: ME: I have good news & bad news WIFE: Bad news first ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV WIFE: We don't have a- ME: Aaaaand now the good news
@Cheeseboy22: Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I'll ever get an opportunity like that again.
@amishschool: My wife yelled, "This is the LAST TIME I'm going to tell you to take out the trash", and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.