Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
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[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.