Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls