Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I don’t get marriage
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
be careful
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.