I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
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8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Hank is one in a melon.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…