parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage