Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
one of
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?