Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience