Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
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friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I hate when that happens.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.