Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
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We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes