Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
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The internet is magic sometimes.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
They’re called werewolves.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.