Meanwhile in Portland…
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Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.