When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
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Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Based Erika
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers