I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
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I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.