Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
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Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend