Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
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the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.