Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
You Might Also Like
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!