Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
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Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.