Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
23. the denim jacket
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
New tinder profile pic
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
#TopTip
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée