PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.