PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
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If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Feels
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now