Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
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Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.