Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
You Might Also Like
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
ok like just. call me at this point
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute