@Arbitral: Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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@ThisLocalHater: [During sex] Me: I know you want me to be "naughty", but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
@INeed_AnAdult: Me: Define Illegal Cop: You're drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling 'For Narnia' Me: I want my lawyer.
@ShaeAaron: My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I'm not sure if I'm going to bed, or to Walmart.
@truegritrumble: ME:John's coming over for dinner. WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John? JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.