Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
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ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
(Electricians.)
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
what could possibly go wrong?
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song