Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
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I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
This hospital has everything
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The game has officially changed 😎
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*