Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?