Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
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her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage